Adam...

"Now I know what I don't want...I learned that with you" - Leslie Feist

The worst year of my life was my 28th year. This is the year that Saturn Returns. It is a period in everyone's life that, theoretically, one is supposed to experience a time of change and upheaval. Well, in my 28th year, Saturn returned with a vengeance on my ass.

I was in the second year of a relationship that should have ended at my 28th birthday. Amid the various counts of distasteful, disrespectful behaviour on Adam's part he was, and is, an addict and a manipulator.

The first indication of things to come occurred the day Adam and I were moving in together, in the fall of 2003. The night before he was nowhere to be found, and in the morning he still wasn't answering my phone calls. When he finally decided to get in contact with me, around noon or so, I was venting over eggs with a girlfriend and seriously considering finding a place on my own. How could I live with someone so irresponsible?

We met a few hours later to discuss things. I threatened it was over if he did not stop his excessive abuse of booze and drugs. He begged and cried. He told me that I was extremely important to him and that he would stop.

He didn't stop, and after a while it was like I was on drugs myself. The highs were so amazing and the lows were incredibly painful. It was truly a vicious cycle. It was the highs that kept me in it I guess, like making dinners together, and spending time with his lovely parents.

I lost my trust in everything that year. I was moody from lack of sleep and crying my eyes out. I also had little patience for the challenges that came along with starting my own business.

I asked Adam to move out in the spring of 2004, but we kept seeing each other all summer with his Jekyll-and-Hyde routine in full effect.

By the end of 2004 I was exhausted and I knew I did not want to be involved with Adam anymore. I think he sensed how I was feeling. I was out of the country for the holidays, and being the sadistic jerk that he was, he decided to profess that he "missed me" and that he "was in love" with me. He was effectively reeling me back in.

When I returned to Canada I told him not to bother me if he was going to continue to blow his brains out every week. Naturally he said it would not be an issue and I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker!

Of course, the relationship came to a bitter end less than a week later. He basically asked me to put my life on hold while he "figured things out." When he realized that he was still committed to the party scene, and that I did not fit in, I finally walked away (with some self-respect intact). How stupid was I to trust Adam? I asked my friends and family to get behind me once again because he wanted to "work it out." It was all so tough to swallow.

Thankfully I've now worked through it with the support of amazing friendships, and now I have a blossoming business to concentrate on.

Lessons Learned...

It took me a long time to come to terms with the way Adam was, is, and always will be. People don't change unless they want to, and you can't make them change. It did not matter how much love, caring, or sacrificing I did on my part; I was never going to receive that same devotion, support, and sacrifice in return.

I learned a lot in my 28th year of life. What I went through I would not wish on anyone. I thought I was loosing my mind and I suffered from horrible heartache. That is what a manipulator will do to you.

I don't see him around anymore, but people will mention his name. Some wonder why I was with someone like him. Love can be so blind. I now know that love should not be so difficult. I know now that I don't want to have to wonder when I wake up at 5 a.m., on a Wednesday, and he's not there beside me, where my supposed best friend and life partner is.

I ignored my gut feelings for too long and suffered. Why? I knew the signs. I have a history of abuse in my own family. But I know why. I wanted to save Adam from himself. I see now that this was not my responsibility. I tried, and Lord knows I made my mistakes in the relationship, but as life moves along you realize what a waste of time it is to try so hard to make the good in someone eclipse the bad.

When I talk to my friends about their various relationship troubles I am not negative. I only urge them to listen to what his or her gut is saying about the person. And if that person is only going to hurt you, or make you cry, or lay blame and make you feel bad about yourself, then I say CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

As humans, we can only move on, learn from our mistakes, and realize that we deserve better. And better is out there...I am sure of it!

- Vanessa, 29

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